Drifting

I can't really tell why I cannot make this decision. I have pondered on it for months and I thought that by now it would be a walkover. 

I even went as far as consulting experienced third parties hoping that it would help me conclude on what decision exactly I should take. 

 

Oh! Forgive me ! How rude of me, to not have introduced myself before I started my mindless musings. My name is Zainab Ali. I am one of those people, you would call free minded and throws caution to the wind , which is exactly what caused my present dilemma. 

I wasn't sure if walking away now, that a lot had been invested and by investments,  I'm not just talking cash but also time , feelings , ideas and every thing that could be thought of , was the  best thing to do. But  at the same time , I wasn't sure there was anything left to stay for or even fight for. We were no longer the eager excited young job seekers we were when we met at the UN building in Abuja 6years ago . 

We had drifted into different people . I wasn't the woman he fell in love with and neither was he. Funny how we are the reason for our problems , cos our problems did not start today it had been a long time coming. First it was the phone calls, then strained conversations, then none of the above. I for one should have known that diversity in religious views, would not make us stronger but rather would be a disrupting factor, but then I was free spirited I did not really care. 

All that I felt mattered was that he loved me and I him, so we could conquer anything especially something as irrelevant as religion. 

But unfortunately it was not to be so, as this so called irrelevant RELIGION caused a drifting which has led us to a point of hatred for each other, that I do no longer see the need for this marriage. But every time I wanna walk away, I see my cute dija staring at me with her puppy dog cute eyes and I just can't ruin the image she already has of papa and mama . So I stay. 

I endure the agony, the pain, the torture and the sadness that being with David brings. Five years together feels like 6decades of torment. Now I do not know why I'm sharing this, but if I do not keep talking to someone or people I might just drift into oblivion and be lost forever!