I WISH!

Now I lay here wondering how she would have felt, what her laughter would have been like , what her smile would have looked like or even how her touch would have made the difference.. well I guess now I'd never know. 

I'd never experience her love, her anger , her tears or even her jokes because I was foolish enough to let her go. What would have been a forever love story can no longer be told to the world because we would never be. Oh my dearest I wish I had fought harder for you to stay, I wish I hadn't seen you as a burden but rather an exhilarating joy. If I could turn back the hands of time I would definitely do better, I would show you how much you make my world go round but sadly I will never get that chance because this is not a probability equation.

I wish I had never listened to Tina, I wish I had never walked into that clinic, I wish I had looked into the nurses eye a little longer and be convinced not to do it or when she said it was too risky cos I was too far gone. I wish Dave hadn't denied paternity or if only dad hadn't given me an ultimatum, then maybe just maybe you'd be here with me calling me mama and scattering the entire house and making me nearly frustrated but happy still. I guess I'd never know what it means to birth a child cos with you gone, my ability to birth died with you my darling.

 Oh Dara! If you had been born that would have been your name, happy 2nd birthday my love. Maybe just maybe, I'd get a second chance or maybe not.  So I'll try to live what's left of my life making right decisions and regretting less, probably then I'd find my redemption. 

 Oh and baby girl I tried going to the orphanages this year but I just couldn't bring myself to, cos somehow being around those beautiful children didn't make me feel better but rather it deepened the hole of guilt I felt. I wonder what the cure is? They say it's time, but I wonder if it's a general prescription that applies to every situation.